Déjà vu

     Today, for the second time in two years, I received devastating news from my orthopedic doctor:  I tore my ACL.  No, not the left knee, the one I had reconstructive surgery on two September’s ago, the “other knee.”  Sure, the tear has yet to be confirmed by MRI; all the same, deep down, I know it is torn.  I knew the moment it happened. 

Rewind to last Saturday…shortly after taking the stage to dance in my studio’s dress rehearsal (my 25^th dress rehearsal, to be exact), I did an inside fan-kick on my left leg and felt the “pop” in my right knee.  The pop was accompanied by a shooting pain, similar to the sensation of hitting a funny bone.  After uttering a few choice expletives, I walked off-stage and began to melt down.  I had just been through surgery and recovery on the other leg; I thought I was all fixed!  It felt so great, after three years, to be able to dance uninhibited by my knee injury; now, I would have to go through it all again.  Not to mention my upcoming wedding…not only have I been trying to get in shape, but hobbling down the aisle is not exactly how I pictured my big day.  Crutches simply do not go with my ensemble and I refuse to compromise on my choice of shoes!

After shedding more than a few tears and attending my very own pity party on the floor of stage left, I pulled my dusty old knee brace out of my dance bag and took to the stage.  I managed to perform the rest of the rehearsal and my two numbers in the recital the next day only feeling my knee buckle once (at the very end of my solo); however, I was disappointed that I could not dance at the level I wanted.  Sure, I’m nowhere near as good as I was ten years ago; nevertheless, I was hoping to look better than I had these past three years.  This was supposed to be my comeback!  I kept thinking back on my happiness at the studio two weeks ago, nothing short of sheer glee surged through my body when I took the dance floor.  For the first time in three years, I felt at home again; moving my body felt second nature.  Unfortunately, it was just a tease, a joy to be taken away entirely too quickly.

When I walked into Dr. Diana’s office this afternoon, I knew what his prognosis would be.  Despite any attempts on the part of my mother and Dan to convince me that I simply pulled a muscle, I could tell I had more serious damage.  With one hand on my thigh and the other on my calf, the doctor jiggled me knee and looked right into my eyes.  “It feels loose.”  Translated:  “Here we go again.”  I told him about my October nuptials; luckily, he said surgery could wait until after the wedding.

With surgery looming in mid-November, shortly after my return from honeymooning in Fiji, I’m choosing to remain positive (bar my minor break down immediately following the pop).  As my friend Stacey pointed out, this is fixable!  I do not have a major internal illness, or need any screws or plates put it.  Having been through this all before, I know what to expect.  Also, I lived on my previous torn ACL for over a year without knowing anything was wrong!  Once the initial swelling went down, I was able to go about my life without any indication that my knee was missing a crucial ligament.  I worked out, rode my bike around Brooklyn, wore high heels, and danced at weddings.  This time around, I have more motivation:  I am determined to look fantastic in my wedding dress, scuba dive on my honeymoon, walk down the aisle in a fabulous pair of heels, and, post-surgery, dance in Top Hat’s 25^th recital next June.  Sure, this injury is going to make accomplishing all these things slightly more complicated…but, I’ve never been one to do things the easy way!